Production year: 1986
Country: UK
Language: English
Cert (UK): PG
Runtime: 119 mins
Director: Ted Vaaaaaak
Cast: Elvin ‘Elvin’ Elvin, Helen Mirren
This years marks the 25th anniversary of a little remembered landmark in British SF, the commercial release of Ted Vaaak’s directorial opus The Perilous Planet based on a script derived from his own story (reprinted here on Essex Terror itself). Despite it’s lurid screenplay and challenging themes the story behind the film is probably more terrifying than the film itself.
Ted Vaaak was a prolific author in the 1960s, his work typically being the standard SF fare of uniformed oafs who flew silver spacecraft, dated beautiful women, punch green aliens in the throat and hung around with young men. Coincidently, Vaaak was to list all these activities amongst his hobbies. Suddenly, around Christmas 1965 he stopped producing new work and rumours began spreading that he was working on something special, something new. The world (or at least Maldon) waited with bated breath.
Three weeks later, Ted submitted a new story, Perilous Planet, under the non-de-plume Tedney Vaaaak. It was published in the February issue of Cosmic Trousers. The reception was mixed. Michael Moorcock described the story as ‘pointless’. Unkind rumours surfaced that Flann O’Brien was found dead clutching a copy of the story with the look of a haunted macaque frozen on his face. The tale was quietly forgotten about for 20 years.
It seems odd now that Perilous Planet would be chosen by a major Hollywood studio but that is to forget the incessant search to find the new Star Wars that was prevalent at the time. However, the decision to allow Vaaak to direct the film seemed foolhardy even at the time. He was later to comment, ‘I was cheaper than Spielberg, plus I also threatened to kill the producer’s dog.’
A less risky decision was to give Elvin the popular children’s TV performer a starring role. However, budget problems meant that the rest of the cast had to be filled out with shop mannequins. Barry Norman comments wryly that they were ‘better than Schwarzenegger’.
Filming was further wrought with problems. The studio objected to the abundance of phallic plants on the set of what was meant to be a family film. Vaaak compromised by filming half a mile away to obscure the detail. However, on the first day of filming a freak storm blew the offending set back into shot. The studio backed down and filming continued.
Vaaak had a tempestuous relationship with his star, Elvin ‘Elvin’ Elvin. On one occasion witnesses claimed he threatened to throttle Elvin twice then throttle himself. Tragically, a few days later, Elvin was found dead, throttled in an accident that remains a mystery to this day. Filming was held for several days whilst an adequate mannequin was found to fill in.
After a tortuous editing process, the film was finally deemed ready for release. At times, frightening, wondrous and bizarre, one laughable 30 minute section appears to be an episode of the soap Crossroads (‘Benny makes a Mistake’), the BBFC surprisingly gave it a PG rating, more out of desperation than merit.
The critical reception was poor. Roger Ebert bursts into tears at any mention of the film. Peter Bradshaw claims he never saw it. Neil Gaiman dismisses the film out of hand, ‘In the original short story, Captain Ubbliona Brush-Set turns the villainous Admiral Hlug-Holm into a penis-shaped plant. In the film, Hlug-Holm is some kind of surprised hat-stand.’
The film also fared poorly in the box office, except in Latvia where it was mistakenly released under the title Ghostbusters 3. However, it did gather a few fans, particularly amongst self-harming thirty-year olds. Indeed, in 2003, Vaaak himself claimed that an (unnamed) former prime-minister said she found the film ‘profoundly moving and diverting’.
So then is it time for a long mooted DVD release? In the immortal words of Captain Ubbliona Brush-Set, ‘Fire up the engine.’
Pual Farrell is the senior film correspondent for The Portsmouth and Southsea Times. This article is reproduced according to the contract.
