Why I’m Going Around Boring Everyone Frozen About David Cameron
Posted by Oubliette Chadmers | May 5, 2010 | Comments Off
Sock, Rock, Bock-bock director OUBLIETTE CHADMERS today explains why the Tories have got the touch, and also the power.
He is married to someone far, far richer and more beautiful than you will ever land, you horrifying sack of offal.
Here, Oubliette, 39, explains nothing at all, and spends a long, long time doing it.
Smart... Oubliette Chadmers
Matthew Vaughn said in the Sun last week that it was squeaky bum time for Britain. I don’t know what that means, but it sounds spot on to me. We in Britain are at the turning point of this election where literally every voter who intends to vote will vote for a party and then a party will win, and it will have an effect of some sort, somewhere, probably. Or maybe people mostly won’t notice or care.
As a director of films, I spend all day every day telling more talented people than I how to do their jobs, then in the end I waltz off with the lion’s share of the credit and money for their efforts. That, if nothing else, makes me blue to the bone, Tory through and through, and Cam is My Man. Say whatever you like about Thatcher and the Conservatives through the 1980s, but don’t say they weren’t incredible stewards of the USS Great Britain, and quite literally the most incredible government that we have ever had the honour of subjecting ourselves to.
I make films because I have a skewed, immature worldview; yet I also have the towering pomposity and arrogance to believe that my outlook is of enough innate, intrinsic worth to warrant putting millions of dollars and dozens of careers in the balance, just so that it can be expressed to its fullest advantage. When I made Jason Statham eat a stilton and spinach pasty that someone had spaffed over, in the closing minutes of my 1999 smash hit Sock, Rock, Bock-bock, I was making a very clever political allegory that I doubt even my old film tutor would have gleaned. Basically, right, the spaff is taxes. Figure it out from there.
But that’s why I’m the one who is qualified to tell you what to do, not Stephen Fry or Danny Dyer. Me. I’ve built a career out of it.
Nobody could look at these past long 13 years of Labour Schmabour and fail to sense their gorge rising in their throat. Then, literally projectile vomiting a liquid khaki spume across the keyboard and monitor such that you can barely even see what you are typing any more. Gorgel Clown promised he wouldn’t give us another recession, but then utterly failed to rein in his fat cat friends in the City. He might as well have sent the economy to the moon or to like caveman times or something. If the previous eternity of Conservative government proved anything, it’s that we can rely on the Tories to lay the law down on the rich.
We live in a different world now, and Glargon Toon needs to step aside and let the big boys get on the rostrum. The pace of technological change is incredible. Only five short years ago, nobody had heard of many of the new inventions we all take for granted. The internet, YouTube, Bebo and Lycos were all pipe-dreams when Grogan Goon took possession of number 10. DavCam is Facebook to Brone’s Friendster. And you can rely on David Cameron not to call someone a bigot. People in glass houses…
Cameron is the real deal, folks. He has proven you don’t need to steal policies to win support. Indeed, you don’t need to have policies at all.
Now go and do what I say.