England World Cup Squad Announcement Live Blog
Posted by Vom Vorton | June 1, 2010 | Comments Off
Vom Vorton, “our man with a ball”, will be here bringing you all the official news of the World Cup squad announcement live as it happens throughout the day. Additional reporting by David N. Guy and Reuters.
14.38: Capello hasn’t announced the team yet. Shambolic. It’s shambolic. And a farce. I’ve been here since 9 o’clock, and for what? Five hours of semi-confirmed hearsay and a graphic of John Terry’s face slowly rotating across the world’s screens.
14.39: Remember to get in touch with any thoughts you might have had today. I’ll print as many as I can.
14.40: From iluvesouthendunithed on 606: “I think my dream England team would just be a whole load of Milners, giant wide heads bashing around.”
14.41: I know it’s unprofessional of me to say this, but I’ll tell you what I like. I like it when Peter Crouch and Shaun Wright-Phillips play together, and one of them scores and they have a hug, and the height difference is so severe that I get vertigo and collapse, bleeding from the nose.
14.42: Or when the commentator says “there is some kind of absurd creature on the touchline, stretching out stalks in every direction, perhaps searching for intelligent life or trying to kill us all” and it is just Peter Crouch warming up.
14.43: I’m pretty sure that happens a lot.
14.44: If nobody is prepared to assemble a team out of giants, midgets and super-mutants then I think I’m probably watching the wrong sport.
14.51: Oh, here’s something. We understand that Capello has sent everyone home apart from Ledley King, who is flexing his kneecaps and grinning, showing the most sincere disregard for pain.
14.57: From genitalmaster on 606: “Why has nobody mentioned the fact that Wes Brown has the face of an enormous baby yet? Surely this is reason enough for him to be picked in any England team, past or present”
Good timing, genitalmaster – Capello has just appeared on Sky Sports News, riding Wes Brown around the room like an oversized dog. Apparently if he passes this initiation, he will force Jamie Carragher from the team and into a cannon, aimed directly into the sun.
14.59: Latest news suggests that David Beckham’s cheek has exploded. It’s not a pretty sight I’d imagine.
15.00: Capello has just announced a press conference for five minutes time – we will, of course, report back with all the news as it happens.
15.11: He has just announced that the official breakfast cereal of the England World Cup Team is going to be Golden Grahams. Based on our database, this rules Emile Heskey out of the final 23, as he is “a Weetabix man, through and through”. More as it happens.
15.14: Fabio is now throwing miniature footballs into the crowd. The waiting journalists are delighted, but does anyone remember why we’re actually here? This journalist hasn’t seen anything so ridiculous since 1884, when football was played in a gravel pit, by monks.
15.16: Fabio Capello has just announced that this year’s official England song, South African Boogie Woogie by Jools Holland and Keith Allen, will be available from Monday, exclusively on iTunes for 99p.
15.17: He has started singing the song.
15.18: He’s really getting into it now.
15.19: Fabio Capello’s mask has just slipped off, revealing he was being played by Michael Palin all along.
15.21: The FA have reacted to Fabio Capello’s dismaskment and Alan Shearer has been announced as the new England manager.
15.22: FIFA have announced that England have been banned from the World Cup, unless Alan Shearer is destroyed.
15.31: Michael Palin has been reinstated as the England football team manager. No word as yet on the method of destruction that was used on Alan Shearer.
15.34: If you want to discuss Alan Shearer’s destroyment, get yourself over to this thread on 606. I think I’d quite like it if the method they used was quite painful and exceedingly messy. Perhaps some sort of high-speed collision with a fine wire mesh.
15.35: The FA’s website is down. This is getting beyond a farce.
15.37: It is still down. Only the FA could contrive a situation like this on a day such as today. I am ashamed to be English.
15.38: It’s back up now. There’s a big picture of Trevor Brooking on there. I hope this means he was the one who supplied the final blow to Alan Shearer.
15.40: On Sky News I just saw Shaun Wright Phillips open Peter Crouch’s back up and climb inside. I wonder if this means Michael Palin can include an extra player now.
15.45: I wonder what Sir Geoff Hurst, Lord Bobby Robson, The Duke of David Seaman or Winston Churchill would think about this ludicrous fiasco. I think it’s safe to say that Hitler would have won World War II if the FA had been in charge of the army.
From Mecha_Alf_Ramsay on Twitter: “Would Germany still have lost the war if Hitler had been replaced by Jurgen Klinsmann? I think it’s fair to say they they would.”
15.50: Peter Crouch has made a special appeal to bloodthirsty fans who have been camped outside his home for two months, begging for him to appear on the balcony and dance like a robot. “I’ve said NO”, said Peter, a tear rolling down his magnificent cheek. “Not unless I score a goal in the world cup final, or provide an assist during the group stages, or win a drinking competition with my good friend and team-mate David James. Or if I’m at a disco.”
15.56: The FA have now made an announcement. They have announced that an official announcement, about when the final, more important announcement is due to be announced, will be announced “a bit later”.
16.01: JESUS FUCK I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANY MORE
16.02: Wait I think they’re announcing it now. Something’s definitely happening anyway.
16.03: The announcer has just announced who is going to announce the squad.
16.04: Stephen Fry comes onto the stage, holding an iPad. He holds it up and chooses the official England iPad app from the menu.
16.05: My god it’s beautiful.
16.06: So beautiful.
16.07: The whole room is in tears. It’s a bit like that Radiohead video where everyone collapses, but in reverse, somehow. The joy is overwhelming.
16.08: It’s just astonishing. Everything I have ever dreamed of has come true before my very eyes.
16.09: I can’t go on I’m sorry. It’s just… nothing seems important anymore. Nothing will ever be the same again.
16.10: This week’s FA chief has just come back into the room. “I’ve got some very sad news to announce about the announcement,” he says.
16.12: Poor, poor Theo Walcott. We’re hearing that the Arsenal man “began to swell and pulsate” when he was given the news that he would not be on the team plane. He has now been placed in an airtight chamber and ordered to calm down, amid fears that he could suffer a full pangranisation of the Gascoigne gland.
16.15: R.I.P. Theo Walcott. When he scored that glorious hat-trick against Croatia in qualifying, his future seemed so bright. And now he is being scraped off the wall of a medical facility.
16.17: Apparently Theo WAS on the list to go to South Africa. On the plus side, this now means there is room for Stephen Warnock to join the final 23, where he is expected to play a generally insignificant role in The World’s Greatest Tournament.